Help Me Understand.......Exercise.

Exercise Can Really Cramp My Style!

Ok. I’m not in shape…..but that can change…….right?
Well, I think so. So I’ve started to work out every other night. I have a nifty little exercise gadget called a Crossbow. It’s like an indoor weight machine along the lines of a Bowflex. In the eight years that I’ve had it, it has been predominately used as a neat place to hang up my clothes. That is….until 2 weeks ago.

Yep. After eight years I finally was ready to take up the Crossbow challenge. And take it up I did. Curls, bench presses, lat pulldowns, tricep curls, and on and on. Surprisingly, the machine actually seems to work because I’ve been sore after every workout. Four days ago, I added crunches to my workout in the hopes that I might actually have some abdominal muscles somewhere beneath my largest single investment in this world…..my belly. (that’s right. It ain’t cheap growing a belly!)

Well, after my first night of doing crunches, my stomach was very sore the next day. So, I thought, it was good for my workout. Two nights ago, I sat on my inclined bench and started my second night of stomach crunches. I added a twist on each crunch for my obliques. After the first set, my stomach really felt tight. “Good,” I thought. After the second set I could really feel the “burn.” The third set is when it happened…….

As soon as I started my third set of crunches, every abdominal muscle in my body, from my ribcage down to my crotch cramped at the same time! I shot forward in an involuntary crunch. I thought I was dying at first, but quickly realized that my entire abdomen had revolted! Yelping like a wounded sea lion, I started rolling on the floor in my living room in an attempt to get the cramps to stop. I even tried arching my back, but such a feat proved rather difficult given my girth. Nothing I did could stop the stupid cramps, so I kept rolling on the floor and yelping. Suddenly, despite my intense abdominal pain, the vision of my rotund body rolling around on my living room floor while I was crying out in anguish made me wish I could have captured the moment on video. The thought of seeing the whole thing on You-tube made me laugh out loud despite the cramps. In fact, the laughing made it worse! I was crying, laughing, yelping, rolling, and awkwardly attempting to arch my back all at once! Alas, my private humiliation will never become an internet spectacle.

After 40 seconds or so, my stomach muscles finally relaxed, allowing me to stop rolling around like an idiot. I sat frozen on the floor for a few minutes out of the fear that getting up or even moving would cause the cramps to start up again! When I finally got to my feet, I wisely decided to forego the third set of crunches. The only comforting thing about the ordeal was the realization that I did indeed have abdominal muscles, even if they haven’t been seen since the early 70’s. Sigh. It seems that exercise can really cramp my style.

Crunchingly Yours,


Blawgerman