Help Me Understand..........Bad Years

Help Me Understand..............Bad Years


I’ve had quite a run the past few years, and last night was just one of those nights where all of the bad things that have happened were just pressing down on me. Christmas is a tough time of year after you get a divorce, especially if Christmas and kids and presents were really important to you. I had just finished buying some stockings and stocking stuffers and a wave of sadness just crashed over me because I realized that the family life that I had was gone forever.

That was bad, but I still had to drive to Byron Center to listen to my son’s concert. On the way, waves of sadness and grief kept engulfing me. When I got to the concert, the music was awesome and the entire night was really good. However, during the concert my mind started wandering to the health concerns about my hands. I have some kind of skin disorder that is causing the skin on my fingertips to crack and break open, making it impossible to play guitar. On top of that, my last doctor informed me that I might be getting arthritis in my hands, which would make guitar playing harder and harder, and ultimately, impossible. Needless to say, dark thoughts ruled my night.

But something happened on the way out of the concert that jolted me out of the sadness and self-pity that I was wallowing in. You see, on the way out, there was a young boy who was about 8 years old who was disfigured and in a wheelchair. His grandfather was helping him guide the wheelchair out of the auditorium. The young man was happy and cheerful, and the night had given him a joy that I didn’t have.

It was in that moment that I realized something. I wasn’t ashamed of myself for not being grateful for what I have. But I understood at that moment that although the pain I was feeling was very real, I had so much more to be thankful for. You see, that young man will never run or throw a baseball or play a guitar. I’ve done all of those things in my life and taken them for granted. And even if those things may get taken from me now, I still have experienced them in a life that has been filled with good things.

This young boy who could experience joy despite his circumstances helped me to understand that how we approach things in life is really a matter of perspective. It is my hope that I can change my perspective to reflect the truth that there is so much I have to be thankful for, and I hope this blog will challenge you to do the same.

With Joy,

Blawgerman

Help Me Understand............Side-Effects

Help Me Understand..........Side Effects

Ok. So I have psoriasis. It’s on my fingers and has had a negative impact on my ability to play guitar. So far, everything that the doc has given me has failed to work. Then I find out that I can get psoriatic arthritis and, when I look at my hands, some of my knuckles are starting to swell. Great. I’m thinking that this can’t be good for my guitar playing at all.

I go to the doc and he says we’ll have to put me on a "more serious" drug to attack the psoriasis. I’m thinking that’s a pretty good idea................until I read the warning label. I really don’t think you should ever read the labels of any drugs that you take.

The first listed side effect, you ask? Death.

Yep. It’s true. I think I’ll pass on that side-effect. The next listed side-effect was permanent hair loss, followed by depression, suicidal tendencies, liver failure, and so on. It even went so far as to claim dry-mouth as a potential side effect.

Now look, I tried to donate my body to science and they sent me a rejection letter. That wasn’t so bad, but they went on to say that my body wasn’t even worth the cost of cremation! Just my luck that only out-of-work comedians write their rejection letters. The way I see it, I have only two parts of my body that are worthy of not cremating. My hands and my hair. Now, both are at risk.

I guess what I’m wondering is why aren’t there better side effects to drugs, and, more importantly, why aren’t we demanding them. Here are a few I would like to read as I ponder whether I should take my psoriasis poison-pill:

WARNING! USE OF THIS DRUG MAY CAUSE THE FOLLOWING UNINTENDED SIDE-EFFECTS:

You may make break out in spontaneous, witty conversation

You run the risk of losing weight and developing six-pack abs

Your IQ might suddenly skyrocket

Your teeth will become whiter

You may find yourself whistling happy tunes and experiencing harmony with creation

Your hair may become rich and full-bodied

Your breath will become fresh and irresistible

Well, you get my drift. Until we have some better side-effects, I guess I’m just gonna have to deal with what I have. In the meantime, get on the phone to Pharmacia and ask them to step up to the plate on this whole side-effects thing.

Side-Effectingly Yours,

Blawgerman

YIKES! More Word Games!

YIKES! More Word Games……………..



Shampoo – fake feces.


Nutcracker – a psychiatrist.


Omnipresent -- The cheap first car your parents bought for you. (yeah, I’m that old).


Crestfallen – dropped toothpaste.


Bloodhound -- Dracula’s puppy.


Hostage -- The platform upon which Madonna performs.


Dramatic – a thespian parasite.


Band Aid – the roadies.


Racquetball -- What the mafia guys throw around to pass the time.


Panther -- what they said after looking at Hillary Clinton in a dress.


Titration -- what has to happen when the demand for breast implants far outweighs the supply.


Ramification -- Replacing your fleet of Ford trucks with Dodge trucks.


Assassin -- When two rear ends walk into a building.


Wordly Yours,

Blawgerman

Are You Tired of These Word Games Yet?

More What's In A Word............


Contemplate – the mold used to make prisoners.

Airbag – Your mother-in-law.

Airbag Deployed – Your mother-in-law tossed out of an airplane.

Freedom – What they call the movement to release Mr. DeLouise from prison.

Spellbinding – What happens when you tie up a witch.

Mistletoe – How they move the nukes around on the military base.

Petrified – What happens to your dog when it gets really, really scared.

Petulance – When your dog passes gas.

Copulate – How you increase the police population.

Transmute – A guy who can't speak and eats only margarine.

Chuckwagon – Charlie Sheen's Jetta.


Wordly Yours,

Blawgerman

More What's In A Word.....

What Words Mean.....and What They Should Mean.....


Cinderella – what you call an umbrella that’s been in a fire.

Manicure – Lithium.

Podcast – throwing a pea.

Permission – A solemn duty given to cats.

Infantile – Ceramic tiles for the nursery.

Dependable – The ability to wear adult diapers.

Unibrow – what cyclops has above his eye.

Confirmation – A convict’s workout plan.

Simpleton – 2000 pounds of George Bush (fill in your favorite politician).

Stucco – What happens to flies in Mexico when they land in glue.

Permutation – A cat with three heads.


Wordly Yours,

Blawgerman

Change......change.......change.......

Change........Change..........Change........

One of my readers (YES, I do have some people who actually read this blog!) told me this sad but true story. I had no alternative but to pass it on....

A lawyer friend of my reader recently died. He found himself on heaven’s doorstep awaiting Saint Peter. When Saint Peter finally appeared, he said to the lawyer, "Well, it’s kinda unusual to have one of your kind here. God thought you might be a little lonely, so He’s gonna leave it up to you as to where you want to spend the rest of eternity."

The lawyer immediately said, "Well, Heaven, I guess."

"Not so fast, hotshot," replied Saint Peter, "how can you make an informed decision without spending a day in each place?"

"I see your point," said the lawyer, who was immediately whisked into Heaven. He had a great time walking on clouds and seeing the peaceful, serene setting. Everyone was happy and content and a lot of the folks were just sitting around singing hymns and lifting their hands. "Not too bad," thought the attorney.

The next day he found himself in Hell.....at least he thought it was Hell. It seemed to be a clubhouse for a really ritzy golf club. People were dancing, singing, and drinking. Others were playing golf and tennis and swimming in a giant pool. Dinner was amazing. Steak, Lobster, and the best wines he had ever tasted. He even saw a lot of his old buddies from back at the firm. "Wow, tough choice," he mused.

The next day he came to Saint Peter and announced his decision. "Man, what a tough call," he began. "Heaven was great, but Hell was just hoppin’. I can’t help but think that it’s my kind of place down there. I mean, standing around and singing hymns ain’t bad, but my final answer is Hell."

"Done," said St. Peter, and our lawyer plunged into Hell.

Only.......it wasn’t what he remembered from the tour he got. This time, his friends were in tattered clothes and were eating garbage off of the streets. All around him the people in Hell were in torment and misery. "Hold on, what’s going on here?" he thought. So he went to see the Devil himself.

When he got there, the Devil asked, "So, what’s the problem? Not likin’ the accomodations?"

"Not at all," replied the flabbergasted lawyer. "It’s nothing like what I saw the other day. Where’s the fine food? Where’s the golf course? I don’t get it. What’s the difference between yesterday and today?"

The Devil looked at him and smiled. "Well, yesterday we were campaigning."

From the Campaign Trail.


Blawgerman

Don't Make Me Go Feudal!!!!

Don’t Make Me Go Feudal!!!

Help Me Understand the Shire……………..


“No way, Blawgerserf,” you thought. “This whole Feudal thing is a figment of your way overactive imagination. I am not a serf, and there’s no way our modern country has anything to do with the feudal system.”

“Au Contraire,” says I. Read the following and weep, my little villeins.


SHIRE-REEVE

In England, a reeve was an official elected annually by the serfs to supervise lands for a Lord. The reeve himself was a serf. He had many duties such as making sure the serfs started work on time and ensuring that no one was cheating the lord out of money. The system was introduced by the Saxons, dating at least to the 7th century, and continued after the Norman Conquest.The reeve of an entire shire was a Shire-reeve, predecessor to the Sheriff.

Wikipedia.com

SHIRE-REEVE

The modern office of sheriff in the United States descends from a one-thousand-year-old English tradition: a "shire-reeve" (shire-keeper) is the oldest appointment of the English crown. Because county governments were typically the first established units of government in newly settled American territories, sheriffs were among the first elected public officials in an area and thus developed a leading role in local law enforcement.

TheFreeDictionary.com


Badda Bing, Badda Boom!

Unbeknownst to you, your local Shire-Reeve is a walking, living, breathing, talking, and arresting throwback to the Middle Ages. You even cast your vote for him to be the little leader of the Shire….a chief serf, so to speak. He’s simply there to make sure the rest of us serfs don’t go getting any big ideas about knocking off the King or his minions.

So…….back to work, villeins! No cheating the Lord in this Shire!

Serfly Yours,

Blawgerman

Livin' La Vida Feudal!

Wow….I Sure Am Glad Things Have Changed…….hmmmm…..

Help Me Understand…….Feudalism


Here goes….I have included a little blurb about feudalism in the middle ages after yet another successful google search. I’m always amazed to find that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

or safety and for defense, people in the Middle Ages formed small communities around a central lord or master. Most people lived on a manor, which consisted of the castle, the church, the village, and the surrounding farm land. These manors were isolated, with occasional visits from peddlers, pilgrims on their way to the Crusades, or soldiers from other fiefdoms.

In this "feudal" system, the king awarded land grants or "fiefs" to his most important nobles, his barons, and his bishops, in return for their contribution of soldiers for the king's armies. At the lowest echelon of society were the peasants, also called "serfs" or "villeins." In exchange for living and working on his land, known as the "demesne," the lord offered his peasants protection.

Got it now? We are simply serfs. We are Livin’ La Vida Fuedal (kinda catchy!). You see, in exchange for us paying our property taxes and being good little people, we receive the “protection” of our local, regional, state, and federal governments! The way it works is that the Federal Government is King. The states are the local Nobles, Barons, Bishops, etc. The states willingly provide help to the King in the way of troops, funding, and support. The King has given the states their lands.

Us? Well, we are the villeins in the whole deal (where the word “villain” comes from). If you believe that you own property in our country I invite you to undertake the following social experiment (although I expressly disclaim any liability should you choose to actually go forward with such a dumb idea): try to stop paying your taxes for a few years. You will find that you no longer “own” your own home. You see, you have merely been renting your land from the State in exchange for the state’s protection. Once you stop paying for the protection, the protection stops and bad things happen to you. Bad serf. Very bad serf.

Our job is to do the work that pays the Kings and Nobles. When we stop doing that, our usefulness is done. We can be thrown off the land and another better serf will willingly take our place. Our sole purpose is to make food, products, and services for the king. Now, undoubtedly, some of us serfs are way more “equal” than others, but we are serfs nonetheless. From the poorest to the most wealthy, the King and his Barons will gladly step in and take back the land that they lent us if we stop paying our feudal dues….I mean taxes.

Ah well, I’ve got to get back to my work so that I can keep the King Happy.

Feudally Yours,

Blawgerserf

What Words Should Mean......

What Words Should Mean:



Buckingham – A rodeo pig.

Sorgum – What denture wearers suffer from.

Sufferage –The legal age for marriage.

Speedway – The Methamphetamine lifestyle.

Vulcanized – What you become after you watch too many old Star Trek episodes.

Pinconning – Scamming people for their pins.

Fillet – What gas station attendants used to do to your tank.

Biosphere – The entire breathing area affected when you pass gas.

Flash Bulb – An exhibitionist onion.

Milkshake – a bovine belly-dancer.

Mystify – to finely spray water on a person or group of people.

Homage – A promiscuous magician.

More What's In A Word!!!

More and More What’s In a Word......


Armaments – Tic tacs for your armpits.

Tirade – What tires drink when they need energy.

Icily – Siciliy’s name during the last Ice Age.

Asphyxiation – A fascination with the derriere.

Unicycle – A mythical bicycle with a single horn sticking out of it’s handlebars.

Rogaine – what the crew team wants to do to the leader of the race.

Slowpoke – A stupid cowhand.

Titillation – The method Dolly Parton uses to be able to stand upright without falling over.
(Sorry....couldn’t resist)

Analytical – The single most important requirement for being a proctologist.

Billabong – What Bill Clinton used when he didn’t inhale.

Decadence – What de band marches to.

Stampede – What it's called when you overrun the post office.


Enjoy,

Blawgerman

More What's In A Word!

More What’s In a Word



Steroid -- Hemorrhoids you get from sliding down steps on your rear end.

Bud Light -- A skinny friend.

Claustrophobic -- Fear of Santa Clause

Stirrup – What you do to cream and sugar in your coffee.

Implosion – What happens when an Imp explodes.

Chimpanzee – A sissy monkey.

Holistic – A person dedicated to eating the dough from the center of donuts.

Currant – When a cowardly and despicable person starts yelling and screaming.

Jitterbug – A moth who drinks too much coffee.

Psychopath – A place where the ex-spouse likes to walk.

Implore – Folk tales told by Imps.

Crumbling -- A baby crumb.

Catatonic – What cats drink with gin.

Anger Management – What you do when you lock your mother-in-law in the basement.

THE END IS COMING!!!!

THE END IS COMING!!!!

Help me understand the Large Hadron Collider…….


Amazing!

U.S. District Court Judge Helen Gilmor of Hawaii ruled that she did not have jurisdiction to stop the potential end of the world!..………….seriously. The end of the world. Could I even make that up?

Two Hawaii residents sued the Large Hadron Collider’s owners in an attempt to prevent the machine from doing what it was designed to do, which is sending high-energy beams of subatomic particles around an underground 17 mile ring of superconducting magnets in hopes of causing the subatomic particles to smash together. Scientists have said that they hope they can find out what happened just after the “big bang.” The Big Bang, of course, was just a massive explosion that formed the stars, the planets, and everything else in the universe.

Great.

We have scientists that want to recreate the big bang.

Sweet.

We have a federal court that won’t take jurisdiction over the potential end of the world. The trial court didn’t make a ruling on whether the collider poses a danger to Earth, but did note that that are scientists who are saying that the huge machine could create small black holes or “other phenomena that could destroy the planet.”

Boy. I bet she’ll feel dumb as a giant black hole sweeps us all into the abyss. If you happen to see her as you are flushing down into the black hole, please slap her for me…………..and for everyone else in the world.

Fortunately, the Collider suffered malfunctions on low-power operations and had to be shut down until Spring.

So I guess we should all enjoy the time we have left and maybe drop a line or two to Judge Gilmor to ask her if she might reconsider stepping in to stop the end of life as we know it. In the meantime, be prepared to take the following preventative action in the Spring (which was the same preventative action prescribed by the Government in case of nuclear war):

Bend over.
Put your head between your legs.
And kiss your ass goodbye.

Smashingly Yours,

Blawgerman

Cause and Effect..........

Cause and Effect...........
Help me understand...........consequences

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Basic physics, right?
For every action, something happens. We call it cause and effect. When you do Action A, Result A is the natural consequence. Why is something that easy so difficult to understand for our politicians.
Let’s play the cause and effect game.

Cause:

We have to meet globilization head on. We can meet and defeat our free market enemies. We will willingly enter into NAFTA and CAFTA and globilize our economy for the good of the country.

Effect:

Factories are shipped overseas. Jobs are shipped overseas. Americans lose good paying jobs and those jobs are not replaced by other good paying jobs. Instead, Americans are forced into lower paying manufacturing jobs or jobs in the service sector. China, India and other countries are the direct beneficiaries of our largesse. The only people making money? Big companies as they lower their operating costs and increase their profits.

Cause:

Americans lose good paying jobs and find lower paying jobs to replace those jobs, or they may even be forced out of the job market altogether.

Effect:

People find it harder and harder to make their monthly obligations. They can’t pay their house payments anymore, and their credit scores drop precipitously, causing them to be unable to refinance their home.

Cause:

No regulation of the lending institutions in America allows mortgage brokers and banks and others to offer numerous types of low or no down payment loans and even loans for 120% of a home’s appraised value with little or no money down. Many of those loans are made variable with the potential for the borrower’s mortgage payment to increase dramatically.

Effect:

Lots of people buy homes with no equity and no down payment. They have very little invested in the home financially, so when times get tough or their payment skyrockets, they lose relatively little equity and are able to walk away from the homes rather than try to pay increased mortgage payments to save a home that is going down in value. They can’t sell because they can’t afford to pay a realtor’s fee because they have no equity.

Cause:

People start to walk away from their homes and variable interest rates.

Effect:

Banks start a rash of foreclosures. Those foreclosures put a downward pressure on prices in their neighborhoods, when causes home values to decrease and places even more homeowners in a position where they owe more on the home than it’s worth......which causes more people to walk away and more foreclosures.

Cause:

More and more homes enter into foreclosure.

Effect:

Home values plummet. The banks and mortgage companies start to get concerned because their "assets" and "security" are the other non-foreclosed upon homes in the neighborhood whose values are plummeting because of the many foreclosures.

Cause:

With so many foreclosures, many people are trying to buy homes for pennies on the dollar, so they ask the banks to allow a "short sale" where the bank will accept less for the home than what is owed.

Effect:

The banks refuse because they know that they have mortgage insurance through Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, who will insure that they receive the full value of their mortgage.

Cause:

Banks apply to Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae to collect on their mortgage insurance on all of their foreclosed properties

Effect:

Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae collapse under the weight of the claims.

Cause:

Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae collapse.

Effect:

The federal government steps in to assure that our economy doesn’t melt down, putting 25-100 Billion dollars on the line for a bailout of the private mortgage insurance companies. Then AIG collapses and the feds step in for another $100 billion. Then wall street investment firms collapse and the feds now want to pony up another $700 billion.
Well.....you get my point.

Hindsight is 20-20, but this isn’t rocket science. Just simple cause and effect. The real question is whether there is anybody in Congress or in power generally who can stop the bleeding without a wholesale meltdown of our economy.
I haven’t heard anyone talking about how the globilization effort has cost jobs and started the problems with foreclosures. You just can’t spend years shipping jobs and factories out of the country without affecting the entire economy. And I certainly haven’t heard anyone talking about how the banks refused to sell homes for less than what they were owed because they knew they had mortgage insurance.

Glumly Yours,

Blawgerman

What's In A Word?

What’s In A Word? The following is a list of what words really mean:


Juggernaut -- When nothing’s left in the moonshine jug.

Proactive -- An NBA star that has lots of girlfriends.

Barack -- A sheep’s breasts

Palin -- What you do when the boat’s sinking

McCain -- Irish sugar

Biden -- A place for bears who “go both ways”

Starstruck -- A Hollywood actor slapped by his wife

Standby -- A place real close to you that sells newspapers

Buzzard -- A retarded doorbell

Stem cell -- Where plants are sent after they are convicted

McCain -- McAble’s brother

Softsell -- A toilet paper outlet store

Snowball -- A formal dance for Frosty and friends

Acorn -- Without corn

Intwined -- What happens when closely related (usually Hillbilly) strings get married.

700,000,000,000

$700,000,000,000.

Wow.

A “7” followed by 11 zeros.

7 x 10 to the 10th power.

I could comfortably retire and live the rest of my life on 1/700,000th of that amount.

Let’s see. We have about 300,000,000 people in the US. That comes out to…..$2333 per person for every man, woman, and child in the United States.

I’m sorry, but the numbers are just getting stupid. They are beyond what we really can comprehend. It would take you 700,000 years of saving a million dollars a year to get to $700,000,000,000. You would have had to start saving a million dollars per year back when homo sapiens first discovered the use of fire.

And really, I don’t think that that number covers the AIG bailout, which could be another $100 Billion. Ah shucks, what’s another $100 Billion between friends? Besides, is there really that big of a difference between $700 Billion and $800 Billion?.................I mean, what’s a measley little hundred billion in the grand scheme of things? A billion is just one thousand million. A hundred billion is just one hundred thousand million.

Time out………I’m talking about numbers that I really can’t get my head around. I’m glad those guys in Washington can figure this stuff out…………….oops……….…guess they can’t. But the big question I have is why are the guys who failed to regulate in the first place the same guys that are recommending our bailout? Why do they still have jobs?

There is one lesson that can be learned. If you are going to fail, fail so spectacularly that the entire economy of the world is threatened, and you will have our government falling all over itself to bail you out.

Well, gotta start saving for the year 702,008 AD,

Blawgerman

Where Do I Get My Number?

Where Do I Get My Number?

Help Me Understand Bailouts…….

Bear Stearns, Freddie Mac, Fannie Mae, Lehman Brothers, and now a big $700,000,000,000 bailout for the entire banking industry. The big guys are dropping like flies. The weird thing is that when they get in trouble, they yell for help and the Feds swoop right in and save the day. Oh yeah. There’s also the little issue of us lowly taxpayers shouldering the burden of the buyouts, bailouts, supports, guarantees, and whatever other scheme the government can concoct to keep us from financial meltdown.

The price tag for the Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae fiasco has been estimated to be from $25 Billion (yes….Billion) to $100 Billion. That’s just chump change compared to the most recent $700 Billion bailout that the feds are trying to push through.

So……………where’s the line?

You know………..the line where you pick a number and wait for your number to be called.

You see, I need a bailout. I guess a buyout would work. Even a guarantee would help me. And shucks, my bailout would only cost a little tiny bit compared to the companies mentioned above. Surely, if the government can shell out $700 Billion to guarantee the financial condition of private investment firms and private insurance firms, they can lay down a couple hundred thousand to assure my financial condition, right? What’s a couple hundred thousand more to Uncle Sam? It’s hardly a fly on the arse of the treasury.

That’s it. I just want to know where I go to get bailed out when I discover that what I’ve been doing is financially “imprudent.” Surely, if our beneficent government can rescue the big guys, they’ve got to be able to fling me a little bitty lifeboat! I’m headed to DC to find the line. If I find it, I’ll be sure to let you know.

Following the Yellow Brick Road,

Blawgerman

You Know Your Kid's Ugly When..........

You Know Your Kid’s Ugly When.....

A professor comes up to you and asks for a picture of your kid because he’s doing a study on gag reflexes..............

You’re afraid to squeeze that pimple on the kid’s head because you’re afraid nothing will be left.......

The acting club wants to borrow your kid so they can practice their stage screams...............

The DNA testing company sends the kid’s DNA test results back because "it’s an obvious hoax".........

Geico approaches you for their neanderthal commercials ‘cause they want "a cute little neaderthal kid that doesn’t need much makeup"...............

The ice cream truck vendor throws him ice cream bars for free just to keep him from coming up to the truck............

Blind people shriek when they feel his face...............

Your force your daughter to convert to Islam just for the facial covering..............

Horrifyingly Yours,

Blawgerman

More You Know You're A Hillbilly When.....

More You Know You’re A Hillbilly When…….


You have more fingers than teeth (even after losing a finger in that bar fight).


You just can’t figure out which cousin you should invite to the prom.


You think Fried Chicken is our national bird.


You own more than two pairs of church overalls.


You’re picked by the family to plan the party for your father’s sixth-grade graduation ceremony.


The number of teeth you have is actually higher than your IQ.


You list “Nascar” as your religion of choice.


Your matching underwear with your spouse reads “His’n” and “Her’n”.


You have a cousin, second-cousin, nephew, and half-brother…..all in the same person.


From the Hills,
Blawgerman

More to the Right.....More to the Right.....Ooops!

More to the Right….More to the Right…..Ooops!

Wow.

All this time I thought the Republicans were the party of the right wing. I guess if you go right long enough, you end up left.

Weird……..

It seems that my Republican “free market” friends are really socialists in free-market clothing. They’ve accomplished in one month more socialism than the Democrats have accomplished in my lifetime! And to think I fell for the free-market schtick……

What have they done, you ask? It’s easy. They have succeeded in socializing and nationalizing the mortgage insurance industry! Uncle Sam owns Freddie Mac, Fannie Mae, and now AIG. America now runs the mortgage insurance industry in our country. And to think that we got so upset when Castro nationalized American businesses after he took over. My guess is that we have succeeded in nationalizing more businesses in pure dollars than Castro ever did. AIG is $85 billion. The Freddie and Fannie nationalization is going to cost us between $25 billion and $100 billion. Billion. Castro nationalized chump change compared to the Fed.

But my question is why the free-market rouse? Why trick us into thinking market forces are the panacea to the world’s economic woes? Did they know all along that they would lull us to sleep and every morning we’ll wake up to a new nationalized major business? Do they plan on us never discovering that this was their diabolical plan all along? And do they think that they can continue to spout free-market mantras and have us continue to suspend our disbelief? I think not.

But hey, I’ve been saying we should threaten to nationalize the oil and gas industry for some time now. Leave it to our Government to nationalize businesses that are tanking. At least if they nationalized the oil and gas companies, they’d make a profit. So….I say let’s nationalize Mobil and the rest of the guys while it still worth it. Don’t wait for them to teeter on the edge of bankruptcy before we guarantee them and bail them out for the good of national security.

Nationalizingly Yours,

Blawgerman

Rainy Days and Mondays.............

Rainy Days and Mondays……..

(singing) Hangin’ around
Nothin’ to do but frown
Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

Man. Nothing can say it like the oldies.

Well, another Monday and another couple of Wall Street Giants have bitten the dust. I’m starting to hate going to sleep on Sunday nights these days. Every weekend that goes by is followed by more damaging economic news. This weekend? Well, Lehman Brothers, a 150 year old Wall Street investment company, filed for bankruptcy protection while Merrill Lynch was bailed out of trouble and purchased by the cash-rich Bank of America.

The odd thing is that no one is even hearing about the trouble these firms are in until a Monday morning announcement that they’ve been bought, filed bankruptcy, or are the beneficiaries of some governmental bailout. That is more worrisome than them going out of business. It leaves me wondering where does this mess end and what other giants are getting ready to go belly up?

This Monday also brought news that the insurance giant AIG is teetering on the edge of bankruptcy as well. Oh well, nothing like bad news coming in threes to make the stock market plummet 500 points! And the drop is not over. Asian markets fell again this morning.

The only good news is that crude oil prices fell again. Ironically, gas prices went to over $5.00 per barrel in some places in the south and gas prices have risen this past week because of the ficticious “shortage” of gasoline caused by the shutdown of refineries during the hurricanes. Crude oil prices have dropped almost 40% from their all time highs, yet gas prices at the pump have dropped just 7%.

People in the media are using phrases like “economic meltdown”, “economic Armageddon”, “fiscal disaster”, and my favorite, “severe economic downturn”, which is short for “Depression.” Now European and Asian markets are reacting to their perception that the crisis in America will have a severe negative impact on the rest of the world.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I would like to point out that the free market theories that have been the guiding light of the Republican party have brought us to this mess. Greed drives the free market. Greed without regulation leaves large institutions free to take bigger and bigger risks in order to maintain shareholder earnings. Those risks are not being regulated by the government. Sure, it costs to regulate big businesses and to regulate the risk taken by mortgage companies and investment banks, but the costs of failing to regulate them may include launching us into a “severe economic downturn”…..

Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down.

Blawgerman

Freddie....then Fannie....What's Next?

Freddie Mac…..Fannie Mae……What’s Next?


Is anyone else concerned about the recent announcement that the Federal Government has seized Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae? I mean a few weeks ago they announced that the good ‘ole Feds had “shored up” the lending institutions. Now, almost overnight, the Feds announce that that have taken control of the two largest lending institutions in America…..I guess the shoring up didn’t work so well….

Kinda sounds like what happened to Bear Stearns. Remember them? Their employees show up on a Monday morning to find out that the company was sold, the Government was stepping in, and their stocks were worth $2 per share. The whole country found out that Bear Stearns had failed that Monday morning…..only, they didn’t really fail….they just had some back room dealings with the government to bail themselves out of the problem. It seems that the government had to guarantee the buyer of Bear Stearns that they would not lose money on the deal. Nice.

What’s going on when major, major decisions are being made by our Government that seem to be, for all intents and purposes, in the dark to the average person on the street?

What angers me is that I have heard Republicans speaking about the mortgage crisis and say that they weren’t inclined to help homeowners who were behind on their adjustable rate mortgages because they didn’t feel like they should “step in and relieve the consumer of the consequences of their bad contract.” They are spouting the “free market” mantra when it comes to the home buyer.

BUT, when it comes to the large lending institution, all of a sudden it is all right to come in and relieve the lender of the consequences of their bad decision-making. Maybe this shows the hypocrisy of the free market crowd, but it certainly shows that the free market, which eschews regulation, hasn’t been doing that great a job recently. I mean, if we’re going to believe in free market economics, why should the government even step in to “shore up” failing institutions, much less take them over to guarantee that they stay in business.

You see, we can either spend money regulating or we can spend money bailing out failing companies. Either way, we get to spend money. It seems to me it would have been better to regulate the industry in the first place. Failing that, it would be better to work out a deal to keep homeowners in their homes and spend the money to refinance people who had gotten behind on their mortgages. Obviously, the Government’s choice not to provide help to those homeowners hasn’t been a good idea because it has lead to the collapse of Bear Stearns, Freddie Mac, and Fannie Mae.

Ironically, the poor people who lost their homes and possibly much more are now going to be called upon to share in the tax burden of paying for the bail out of the very people who kicked them out of their houses.

Seeing Red,

Blawgerman

Freddie Mac, When Are You Coming Back?

Freddie Mac? When Are You Comin’ Back?

Blawgerman has done some research! Yeah, yeah…..it may be the first time…..but hey, there’s always a first time for everything!

You may not know this, but there has already been a song written about the takeover of one of our largest lending institutions. Martha and the Vandellas wrote this a long time ago, but had to change the original wording to Jimmy Mack in order to sell songs……..

Here’s the Original Freddie Mac (before they changed it due to crass commercialism):


Freddie, Freddie, oh Freddie Mac, when are you coming back?
Freddie, Freddie, oh Freddie Mac, when are you coming back?
My ARMs (Adjustable Rate Mortgages) are missing you, my Equity Lines feel the same way too
I tried so hard to be true, like I promised I'd do
But this Lender keeps coming around, he's trying to wear my resistance down

[Chorus:]

Hey Freddie, Freddie, oh Freddie Mac, when are you coming back?
Freddie, Freddie, oh Freddie Mac, when are you coming back?
He calls me on the phone, about three times a day
Now my heart's just listening to what he has to say
But this interest rate I’m locked into keeps me reaching out to be his friend

[Chorus]

Need your loaning, need your loaning

[Instrumental break]

I wanna say, I'm not getting any stronger, I can't hold out very much longer
Trying hard to be true, but Freddie, he talks just as sweet as you

[Chorus]

Need your loaning, need your loaning
Need your loaning, need your loaning...(Freddie, Freddie, oh Freddie Mac, when are you coming back)


Wow. I didn’t know Martha and Vandellas were a prophetic group! Well, enjoy the song as you wonder, as do I, what it really means that the US Government seized the two largest mortgage lenders in America in the past week.

Singing the Mortgage Blues,

Blawgerman

Nostradamus Wasn't Too Good at Dates, Either!

Nostradamus Wasn’t Too Good at Dates, Either!!!!

Help Me Understand Brain Farts.........



Ok Already!!!!

So I mentioned that Hillary and Sarah will face of in 2112 (as so many of you pointed out to me!). I know that they will both be dead by then (as will all of us). But, you see, peering into the future has its own set of perils. I mean, what’s a hundred years for a prophet and a visionary?

Yeah, Yeah.....I do know that my prediction was really about 2012.........I just totally and utterly failed to say that! At least I was consistent with 2112 throughout the entire blog! Even Prophets can suffer from serious brain farts!

Ah well, to be a prophet is really to be misunderstood.....sigh.

Prophetically Yours,

Blawgerman

More World's Least Likely Books

More World’s Least Likely Books….


How to Have Winning Hair…..…..Joe Biden (with a forward by John McCain)

How to Pick the Right Church………Barack Obama

A Guide to Proper Pronunciation…………..George W. Bush

Humility…………Donald Trump

Stop the Profanity!………….Chef Gordon Ramsey

101 Ways to Cook a Moose…………..Sarah Palin

18 Million Cracks in the Glass Ceiling and All I Get is a Lousy Convention T-Shirt……….…..Hillary Clinton

It Depends Upon What Is Is…………Bill Clinton

How to Shoot Friends and Influence People…………..Dick Cheney

Putting Family First……………..Britney Spears


Ah well, time to get reading……….

Blawgerman

Nostradamus Has Nothing On Me!

Nostradamus Has Nothing On Me!

Help Me Understand……2112


Nostradamus, the Great Carnac, Jeanne Dixon……Bring ‘em on! Blawgerman is up to the challenge! And remember, what you are about to hear…..you heard here first!

2112 will be the first Female v Female battle for the White House.

There. I said it. And here’s why….

First, Hillary Clinton has been running for 2112 ever since she realized that the smooth-talking, inspirational Barack Obama was going to win the Democratic nomination. She stayed in the race, she trounced him in several states by huge margins even after his victory in the overall race was secured, and she succeeded in making the first two days of the Democratic National Convention about the Clintons, with each day driving home the point that Barack Obama failed to chose Hillary Clinton, whose convention speech far outperformed the speech of Joe Biden, as a running mate even though she put "eighteen million cracks in the glass ceiling".

Make no mistake about it. As election day comes closer, we will see more and more ads of Hillary and Bill Clinton as they made statements during the primaries that Barack Obama is not qualified to be president of the United States. You’ll even see Joe Biden saying the same thing! Both Hillary and Bill knew full well when they made the statements about Obama that they would become fodder for the Republicans in the general election. In fact, they are depending upon those statements being used to prevent Barack Obama from winning the 2008 election.

Then there will be the ads that play the footage of Reverend Wright denigrating our country, ads about Obama supporters that were 60’s radicals, and questions about Barack Obama’s ability to purchase his home with the help of felon Tony Rezko. The extreme negativity about Obama will probably cost him his chance at the presidency, which is exactly what Hillary wants. Hillary knows that a run against McCain in 2112 will be far easier than trying to campaign against Barack Obama as the incumbent president. That is…..if McCain runs again.

You see, McCain is 72 years old. By next election, he will be 76. Even though he has a family history of great longevity, he will have a greater chance than any president in memory of having health issues that will prevent his run for reelection. And……………………….if that happens, Sarah Palin will be the presumptive Republican candidate.

And there you have it. 2112. Hillary and Sarah….mano a mano….vying for the most powerful position in the US and maybe the world. You’ve come a long way, baby!

Prognosticatingly Yours,

Blawgerman

I Don't Mean to Be Rude, But.......

I Don’t Mean to Be Rude, But…………

Help Me Understand Communication


Hmmmm. What do you think when someone comes up to you and says, “I don’t mean to be rude, but……….”

What they really mean is, “I’m gonna be really rude to this guy, but I don’t want to take credit for being rude…..Maybe if I say I really don’t mean it, the dummy will believe me!”

Or another of my favorites is, “I don’t mean to be picky, but………..” Well….you can fill in the rest of the statement. When you hear it, you know that there will be some serious nit-picking in your future.

Maybe you’ve heard, “I don’t mean to be nosey, but…………..” Wow. You can just imagine what kind of statement or question will follow that line.

You see, day after day people want to be rude, picky, nosey, etc., etc., but they want to get credit for being not-rude, not-picky, and not-nosey. It’s really amazing. Wouldn’t it be refreshing for someone to say, “Look, I mean to be rude to you, and here’s what I have to say….?” That would be awesome! Or someone saying, “Look, I’m really picky and I want to impose my high standards and attention to detail on you….Is that all right?” Or maybe they could say, “hey, give me some private details of your life because I’m really nosey and I just want something to tell everybody later on.”

Honesty. Could we stand it? But really, how many of us truly believe the person that starts with “I don’t mean to be…..?” My guess is there ain’t that many of us that will let a rude person be rude and then give that person credit for not really wanting to be rude to us. So if none of us really believe the line, why do we use it over and over? Why not just be honest and claim our rudeness, pickiness, and noseyness (is that a word?)?

Oh well, I don’t mean to cut this conversation short…..but….

Dishonestly Yours,

Blawgerman

You're In Good Hands with Mobil!

National Security? You’re In Good Hands with Mobil!

Ok. We need to open up Alaska and the ocean around America to more drilling for oil. Why? Well, national security, of course.

Duh. I should have known. National security it is. But.....how does drilling for oil in Alaska and the oceans help our national security? I’m not quite sure I understand.

The story kinda goes like this. The Middle East, Russia, and Venezuela have all the oil. We need our own oil so we don’t have to buy it from them. The bad guys are the reason that oil prices have hit the roof. Our own oil = our national security. Pretty simple, right?

NOT!

If I understand the plan of the powers that be, the idea is that we need to open up new reserves of oil here in America so we don’t have to depend on OPEC and the other bad guys that have all the oil. How are we going to do it? Is America going to drill for oil? Well.......not exactly. It seems that the only players drilling for oil will be the Shells and Mobils of the world.

These are the same guys who have made record profits in the oil bonanza that we are currently experiencing. These guys are not American corporations anymore. They are international conglomerates with interests all over the world. Their primary concern is not America. In fact, they have been the ones milking America and causing our "National Security" crisis. Our response? Open up more drilling for them!!!

Maybe I’m just a simple guy, but it seems really stupid to me to trust our National Security to the guys that have put their own greed and corporate interests ahead of the well-being of our country. Is it just me, or is it pretty obvious that if Mobil and Shell and the others open up more drilling here in the US, they will be getting yet another boost in profits. They won’t have to pay to bring the petroleum to the US, it’ll be here already. The actual oil won’t belong to America, it will belong to Shell and Mobil.

But I may be just too cynical. I should close my eyes, click my heels together three times, and chant, "there’s no place like Shell.....there’s no place like Shell." I don’t think that would be any worse than the dreamland our politicians are living in if they really think that the big oil companies are on-board with our National Security interests.

Well, I think I see Kansas, Toto.

Happily Ever After,

Blawgerman

Help Me Understand.......STUPID IDIOTS!

“You STUPID IDIOT!” screamed my client at her soon-to-be Ex. “You STUPID, FRICKIN’ MORON” she continued as the attorneys sat back and watched the drama unfold. Although nothing came to blows and the case eventually settled, a thought occurred to me, and I figure I’d better share it before it dies of loneliness.

Why do we feel the need to put the word, “stupid” in front of “idiot” or “moron?” I mean, isn’t it enough that we call the person an idiot or a moron. We then have to take the next step and say of all the idiots and morons, you are among the most stupid of the stupid. Then I wondered if you really could have a “stupid idiot” It just so happens that...........................you can.

Here’s what Dictionary.com has to say about the word IDIOT:

A person of profound mental retardation having a mental age below three years and generally being unable to learn connected speech or guard against common dangers. The term belongs to a classification system no longer in use and is now considered offensive.

Hmmm......offensive......interesting. I really want to know more about a classification system that is considered offensive. As an attorney, I’m always on the lookout for newer, more sophisticated ways of being offensive.

The classification system includes MORONS and IMBECILES.

An IMBECILE is:

A person of moderate to severe mental retardation having a mental age of from three to seven years and generally being capable of some degree of communication and performance of simple tasks under supervision. The term belongs to a classification system no longer in use and is now considered offensive.

A MORON is:

A person of mild mental retardation having a mental age of from 7 to 12 years and generally having communication and social skills enabling some degree of academic or vocational education. The term belongs to a classification system no longer in use and is now considered offensive.

Well, there you have it. An classification system that is NOW considered offensive. Don’t you miss the good old days when this classification system was not offensive. I wonder what has changed? I mean, we still use the same words and all.

Oh well....back to the original point. You can have a stupid idiot. That would be an idiot who is not near the mental age of 3 but is instead at a mental age of 1 or......something like that. So, a stupid idiot is the worst thing you can be in our offensive classification system.

Sadly, I will no longer get the same satisfaction out of calling someone a stupid moron because a moron is the highest functioning of the “offensive” classifications.

And really, I probably should start using the term “imbecile” more often, because technically, many of the people I meet fall into that range. I am simply aghast that I have been so blithely misusing this offensive classification system for so long and, as a wordsmith, I am simply ashamed of myself.

Geez, I wonder how many Village Idiots were really Village Imbeciles................

Blawgerman

Help Me Understand.....Greed (Gekko's Lament)

Help Me Understand Greed.....


Gordon Gekko (played by Michael Douglass), the lead character in the 1987 movie Wall Street, put into words the spirit of the free market when he said the following:

The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed -- for lack of a better word -- is good.

Greed is right. Greed works.

Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit.

Greed, in all of its forms -- greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge -- has marked the upward surge of mankind.

And greed -- you mark my words -- will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA.

Wow. That’s it. That is the basic tenet of our Free Market. The idea is that our freedom to pursue life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is in large part our desire to make a lot of money and live a life filled with the benefits of our prosperity. We eagerly export our free market thinking to other countries because we have confused true freedom with the freedom that comes with a “free market.”

While it is true that our Country gives us the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, that right must necessarily be constrained by morality. The right to pursue our life, liberty and happiness without regard to the impact it has on others would simply mean that if you are interfering with my life, liberty or pursuit of happiness, I could just eliminate you.

When we set up our government, we set up a system of checks and balances. We have the President, the Congress, and the Judiciary. In theory, each of these institutions struggle with one another in an attempt to keep any one of them from becoming preeminent . A deeper examination of the system concludes that the framers believed that power left unchecked would influence and allow leaders to engage in behavior that suppressed the rights of the citizenry, because that is simply human nature.

The Free Market cannot be summed up any better than Mr. Gekko. Greed is right. Greed works. If you pursue wealth and happiness, you will come up with better products, better services, and better ideas. It will propel you to greater achievements......or.....it will propel you to come up with cheaper products that can sell quickly, dangerous products that you can sell and then avoid liability for by filing for bankruptcy or by incorporating in a foreign country, or any of a host of other ideas that you can envision that will cause great profits without regard to human impact.

You see, there is no corresponding “checks and balances” on the free market. Maybe you could say that each greedy corporation is checking and balancing the other greedy corporations. If that were the case, why wouldn’t all the greedy corporations band together to make money at the expense of the populace? Kinda like.....the gas companies? The US used to vigorously enforce the Sherman Antitrust Act, which was designed to prevent price fixing. The Act came as a result of super-wealthy individuals buying up entire markets and then unilaterally setting a price on a product which would ensure extremely healthy profits for the monopoly. We rarely prosecute under the Act anymore. I think it is because we now believe that Greed is good.

Any system whose prime motivator is greed must be regulated, because unbridled greed knows no moral constraint. Any government who promotes greed without moral restraint is just asking for trouble.

Decidedly Anti-Free Market,

Blawgerman

Help Me Understand....EXTERNALITIES?

Help Me Understand......Externalities?


What?

You gotta be kidding, right? Externalities? What’s an Externality?

Ok. So, I’m a nerd. I think about things like this, so sometimes I write about them. It turns out that externatilities are very important in understanding why a free market isn’t really so free. So, indulge my nerdy side and let me muse.

Externalities, as they relate to the free market, are costs created by a seller that are not borne by the seller. An example would be the recent discovery that a manufacturer in China shipped out lunch boxes to the US which were made with leaded paint. Let’s assume that the manufacturer shipped out each lunch box to the US at a price of $2.00 per unit (to ultimately be sold by Wal-Mart for $6.99). The manufacturer makes 1,000,000 lunch boxes and gets paid for them at delivery. Thus, the manufacturer has received $2,000,000 and the cost of making the units was $1,000,000, leaving a profit of $1,000,000.

Now, Wal-Mart sells the units for $6.99. Their costs are more than $2.00 per unit when you include storage, shipping, warehousing, marketing, packaging, etc. Let’s say that their costs are $5.00 per unit, leaving a profit of about $2.00 per unit for Wal-Mart. So, the manufacturer has made a profit of $1,000,000 and Wal-Mart has made a profit of $2,000,000 on the boxes. Good so far?

Now, six months after being placed in the stream of commerce, a mother decides to take her child to the doctor because she’s acting lethargically. Test results reveal the presence of lead in the child. The mother frantically tears apart her home to find the source of lead contamination, but she can’t find it. In the meantime, her other two children dutifully take their lunch boxes to school with them everyday. So all three continue to be exposed to the lead.

Six months later, Mom hears an NPR newscast that states that Wal-Mart has recalled 1,000,000 lunch boxes because lead was used in the paint. Panicked, she immediately takes the lunch boxes and returns them to Wal-Mart for a refund. There is a run on returns at Wal-Marts all over the country, but only 300,000 of the lunch boxes are returned, leaving 700,000 lead painted lunch boxes wandering about the country. The boxes get used by children for about a year, then thrown into the garbage to end up at the county dump.

So, what is the real cost of the lunch box for the Chinese Manufacturer? Of course, the manufacturer has gone out of business and the government of China is not eager to help Wal-Mart find the right entity to sue. Thus, the manufacturer has made money and is immune from any further liability.

What costs has the manufacturer created? Well, the workers at the plant have all be exposed to lead paint (that’s China’s problem, I guess). They may have taken the products home to their children as well. Their children may have had health impacts as a result of lead exposure. Meanwhile, 700,000 US children have suffered from lead exposure. The exposure could range from insignificant to extreme. Considering that people react differently to lead exposure, there would be a wide range of reactions to the lead. Possible outcomes include children whose IQs have been affected, children who may have children with birth defects, etc., etc.

Who pays for the IQ deficit of the children? Who pays for the health impacts on the children? Who pays for the lead entering the water supply as it leeches out of the dump site? Certainly not the manufacturer. The manufacturer has benefitted from shifting the responsibility or costs of his product onto society as a whole. That is why industry must be regulated. Industry will create those type of costs, but without regulation, those costs will be passed on to the consumer and society in general.

The “free market” it seems, it not really free at all.

Nerdily Yours,

Blawgerman

Help Me Understand the Democrats!

Help Me Understand the Democratic Party!


Well, I must admit that I’m having trouble with both the Michigan Democratic Party and the Michigan Republican party in regards to their brilliant move in advancing our primary to January against the national rules of both parties. The result of this strategic coup? Well, the Democrats and Republicans completely ignored our state during the primary season. Barack Obama withdrew from the ballot and, more importantly, our state lost MILLIONS of dollars in revenue from ads and campaigning that would have occurred in times past.

Let’s see.....what would have happened had we not moved our primaries up? Well, this year, Michigan would have been in the spotlight, especially for the Democrats. We are an important swing state, and with the race being as close as it was, Michigan surely would have been a significant battleground between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, which means, incidently, that both candidates would have spent millions of dollars in our state. Instead, we are passed by.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have spent days upon days traveling the US to speak to people who are being harmed by the economy. Michigan is in worse shape than most other states, and we missed an important opportunity to inform the candidates just how poorly Michigan is doing at the moment. Michigan citizens have forever lost the opportunity to speak out to the candidates to let them know just how bad it really is in Michigan, and we missed the opportunity to get the candidates to promise to work for our state.

So, what can I say about this situation? Simply that it’s a SHAME that the Democrats and Republics in Michigan chose to make our state irrelevant. And, as far as I can see, they are getting a free ride on the entire issue. Who is holding them to task regarding their reckless and ill-conceived plan? I don’t hear anyone telling them that they cost the state millions in campaigning funds and countless opportunities to let the candidates know just how bad things are in our state. In my opinion, both parties have done our citizens a great disservice.

As for the National Democratic Party, all I can say is that your heavy-handed dealing with Michigan and Florida has come back to bite you in the posterior. At the time the decision was made to invalidate the primaries, the Democratic Party never envisioned that Hillary Clinton would actually be involved in a real race for the nomination. Instead, the party simply anticipated that Hillary Clinton was the presumptive candidate and it would be a golden opportunity to make Michigan and Florida a prime example of what happens when you cross the mighty party of the donkey.

Well, the best laid plans of mice and Democrats sometimes go astray. Now, the Democrats look like total idiots, scrambling not to “disenfranchise” the millions of voters in Florida and Michigan that they were so quick to disenfranchise when they didn’t think that their would be any real challenges to Hillary in the primaries.

I guess the old thinking is still so true. The best thing that the Republicans have going for them is the Democrats.

Disenfranchisedly Yours,

Blawgerman

What's Wrong with Michigan?

OK, What’s Wrong With Michigan?


I believe that Michigan is in a depression. Not a recession. A depression. We have the worst housing market since 1929......which means worse than the Depression. I don’t even feel better now that the rest of the country is suffering what we’ve suffered in Michigan for the past three years. What I want to know is....what is wrong with our State?

For starters, you can trace the decline of our state’s economy to the introduction of term limits. Term limits means that just as a senator or representative is learning their job, they have to move on. Now they have a game of musical chairs between state government seats going on. But there is no stability in our state houses of government, which is reflected by our lack of a cohesive, effective approach to the massive job losses we’ve suffered and the huge economic decline that has occurred. This has made Michigan one of the few states to actually lose population during the past few years. Term limits have also allowed incompetent people to take over spots in our government and to stay there for years and years.

If you don’t believe me, just trace our state’s economic performance after term limits started to cause politicians to have to leave their offices. Now, more than ever, we are subject to influence from special interests, who are far more important to our politicians because they know that they can only run as an incumbent for a limited time and will need more special interest money when their term limits expire.

Next is our ridiculous stance towards small businesses. The Single Business Tax was bad. People complained it out of existence because it penalized small business and made Michigan’s business climate less appealing. Well, we replaced it with the Michigan Business Tax, which is now costing most small businesses two to five times as much as the Single Business Tax. If you head down towards the Indiana border, you will see that Indiana has paid for Michigan billboards that are trying to entice Michigan businesses to come to Indiana to avoid the Michigan Business Tax!!! Nice. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that this is bad, but what have we done to correct it? Nada. Zip. Nothing. Nil. What’s on the horizon? More of the same. You have to wonder if an experienced group of non-term-limited politicians would have ever concocted such a tax scheme.

I don’t know if our Canadian Governor has any tricks up her sleeve, but simply saying “we need to educate our citizenry” is a simplistic response. We will have educated people in the unemployment line or we will educate people for positions in other states. We simply need to make our business climate better so that small companies can thrive. Our Republican legislature and courts have already placed the interests of large businesses above all else. Ironically, those businesses are the ones that are cutting and running and sending jobs to Mexico, India, China, and parts unknown. Small businesses should be our hope, but we are taxing them out of existence.

I don’t know that it can get much worse around here (as gas prices hit $3.89/gal). But it seems to me that we should trash term limits and the Michigan Business Tax as soon as humanly possible. We need to create a positive economic climate for small businesses, who don’t have the same incentive to cut and run as do the giants. In the meantime, we will probably do nothing and suffer the effects of an incompetent government which can’t seem to legislate its way out of a paper bag. All the while, we have to suffer the absolute indignity of INDIANA publicly calling out our stupid tax policies on our very own billboards! Oh, the shame of it all.

Blawging in a Funk,

Blawgerman

World's Least Likely Books

World’s Least Likely Books:


Nanny Selection for Dummies – Rob Lowe

The Power Haircut – Donald Trump

How to Keep A Secret – The guy who buried the David Ortiz Jersey in Yankee Stadium

The Art of Misspeaking – Hillary Clinton

Reverend Who? – Barack Obama

I Hope Hillary Wins So I Can Hire (among other things) the Interns – Bill Clinton

Republican Means Fiscal Restraint – George W. Bush

Ethical Internships For Dummies – Monica Lewinsky

How to Bowl – Barack Obama

Losing With Grace and Dignity – Hillary Clinton

How to Give Great Speeches – George W. Bush (who, by the way, told the Pope “awesome speech, your holiness” after the Pope addressed a US crowd)

Literarily Yours,

Blawgerman

He Follows His Nose

He Follows His Nose....It Always Knows......


Not again. Another nose blog.

Well, part of blogging is sharing experiences. I had an experience.


See, I have to use a CPAP machine to breathe at night because I have sleep apnea. The machine only lets you breathe through your nose, which is ok for most people. I, on the other hand, have a narrow nasal passage and.....(eerie music plays in the background)....inflamed turbinates.

That’s right. Inflamed turbinates. Yes, they were microwaved two years ago, and......THEY’RE BACK! Some guys have all the luck. I am the guy who got adult chicken pox after having them as a child (1-500,000 chance).

So, what’s a turbinate? You have six of them that sit between small bones deep in your nose. When you have bad allergies, they become inflamed and cut off your breathing passage. It sounds like you are stuffed up, but it is the turbinates blocking your air passages. I had to use nasal spray each night just to open my airways so I could breathe. Of course, Afrin is quite bad to pump into the schnoz, and the doc said (in layman’s terms) that I’m an idiot who’s going to Afrin my nose into oblivion, so I’ve got to have another turbinate reduction surgery.

Anyway, the ordeal starts with the six-inch needle that the doc pokes into my nose. He tells me to make a little hand signal when I feel the medicine run down the back of my throat. Yeah. Great. He says it is because he has to make sure the entire nose is numbed. Six times I signaled that the lidocaine was freely flowing down my throat.

After that comes the fun part. A needle gets inserted into one turbinate at a time. The needle is heated to 300 degrees. My turbinate is fried for 30 seconds and the machine then dings like a microwave. While my nose didn’t hurt, I got a huge sinus headache above my eyes. The doc said it’s like a reverse of the brain freeze you get with eating ice cream. This one is based on heat, not cold. Awesome. Overheated sinuses.

After my turbinates were duly fried, the doc confides to me that he has one more thing to do and, “this will probably hurt.” What that means from a Doctor is more like, “this will be more painful than any medieval torture device ever rigged up by the Spanish Inquisitors.” Well, it hurt.

The doc takes a device that is a cross between a letter opener and butter knife and informs me he is going to stick it through my nose into my nasal cavity and use it to break the bones between my turbinates. I let him........The worst part is that I let him do it to the other side even after I knew how the first side felt! No one should have a letter opener shoved three inches into his/her nose and then used to crack bones inside of your head! I’m sure it was actually a crime, but I haven’t had the time to verify that yet.

Funny thing is, the doc tells me that my breathing won’t get any better for the next four to five weeks because my broken bones will cause swelling which will prevent me breathing from my nose.

So, I sit here blogging with what feels like a herd of tiny little elephants rampaging through the insides of my head......with a stuffy nose......sigh.

Nasally Yours,

Blawgerman

Finish Your Gas Before You Leave the Table!!!!

FINISH YOUR GAS BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE TABLE!!!!


What?

My Mom used to tell me not to leave anything on the plate and to think of all the starving children in India who would just die for what I was going to throw out.

Guilt. Thanks, Mom. I got fat thinking of starving people. Oh, the irony.


Then come the vegetarians. Eating beef or pork is immoral, they opine, because you could feed dozens of people with the amount of corn it took to produce that juicy steak that you so know you want.

Guilt. I got fat by choosing food that could have been used to feed starving people.


Now comes the ultimate kicker. I heard on the radio (NPR) the other day that you could now feed a third-world person for an entire year with the amount of corn it would take to fill up your SUV one time with corn-based ethanol.

Guilt. I choose to drive over feeding the hungry. My SUV, it turns out, is even more an instrument of starvation than all of my seconds-eating, steak-loving, pudgy little self.

I think this is even worse that the food guilt. Imagine how bad you are if you load up your SUV to go out to eat at a Steak restaurant!


You know, my last blog dealt with the unintended effect of churning corn into ethanol and how our short-sightedness has caused all food prices to go up. Now, it seems, there is another ethical argument that it is immoral to put our need for gas over and above the third world’s need for food. My republican friends will trust the free market to fix things and self-regulate. However, it may be that the free market will regulate the poor right into the throws of starvation. You see, they can’t compete with $3.49 per gallon for E-85. Corn will keep being produced and sent to ethanol factories.

Oh well, just remember when you are down to that last 1/8 of a tank you have to think of all the starving people in India who would just die to have the corn that made your gas.


Gluttonously Yours,

Blawgerman

Why Do I Feel So Corny?

Why Do I Feel So Corny?


No. It’s not my humor (no matter how many of you think so).

Corn.

It’s so...........American. I mean, we grow the stuff like it’s nobody’s business. We feed it to our livestock. We feed it to ourselves. We have even begun to use it to heat our homes. It seems that we had an endless supply of the stuff...........until.

That’s right. Until.

Until we get the great idea to turn corn into Ethanol. E-85. The saviour of the gas crisis. Turn corn into gas, goes the story, and our dependence upon expensive foreign oil will go down. We can sell the stuff at $1.88 per gallon and make money, so it is a perfect solution. Perfect, that is, until we let our free market friends run wild.

Within months, hundreds, if not thousands, of ethanol plants started to spring up in the US. Their goal is to pump as much E-85 into the marketplace as the marketplace will hold. Automakers get on board with the plan. Even Meijer gas stations start selling the stuff......But not at $1.88 per gallon. They sell it at $.30 less than regular gas. (Right now, that makes it $2.95 per gallon) It’s a savings, but nothing to write home about. But gasoline prices are not the only thing impacted by our collective corniness. Let us pause to reflect upon our free market and its foibles.

Farmers, seeing an opportunity, turn every field available into corn. Ethanol plants buy up all the available corn, so that even with farmers cranking out way more corn than ever before, there’s just not enough. So what happens? The price of corn, set by the free market, skyrockets.

Well, where’s the beef? It’s in the meat section sitting all alone because no one can afford to buy the stuff. That’s right. We didn’t stop to think of whether the $.30 per gallon that some of us can save (those with E-85 vehicles) might be offset by soaring corn prices that are reflected in higher costs of livestock. I wonder if the $.30 per gallon that some people may be saving is offset by the $.40 per pound increase in the prices of meat?

But that’s not all. There is a hay shortage as well. Ask anyone with horses. No one has hay available because corn has started the new “gold fever” for farmers. In fact, there was a story on the news the other day that many people are abandoning their horses because they can no longer afford hay, and even when they can afford it, there is no hay available to be had. Where’s PETA when you really need them?

Oh well, my guess is that your ears have been filled with my rantings, so I’m off to stalk another unwary topic.

Cornily Yours,

Blawgerman

The Art of Misspeaking

The Art of Misspeaking


Ok. You see this beautiful woman at a party. She actually talks to you. When she asks what you do for a living, you reply that you are a retired fighter pilot that does extreme skiing now to replace the thrills of combat that you left behind when you retired.

Wow. It works. She is interested in how many missions you made and how many times you narrowly escaped death. She then moves to your extreme skiing. How many mountains? How many countries? Things are going well..............until your friend can’t take it anymore and lets her know that the closest you’ve ever come to the military is the Boy Scouts, that you can’t ski worth a lick (besides the fact that you can’t even afford lift tickets), and your job as an assistant bookkeeper with the donut shop is in peril.

Man........what do you do now? I know. You tell her, “Sorry, I just misspoke.”


Now.....guess what happens next. Does she say, “Well, big guy, I understand that you just misspoke. I mean, that kind of stuff happens. People misspeak all the time, and quite often, it’s to tell a story that would never really happen to them in real life just so they can impress whoever is listening. Let’s go out for dinner anyway and see if sparks will fly...”


Or maybe she says, “I can’t believe that you are such a LIAR! Get the #*$#(@ outta my life.”


Does anyone believe that the first option will be how this sad story ends? Of course, Hillary Clinton can say on numerous occasions that she flew to Bosnia and landed under sniper fire, that the welcoming ceremony had to be moved indoors, and that such death-defying actions qualify to make her Commander-In-Chief. I gotta wonder if she was a fighter pilot who now does extreme skiing.

Well, when Mrs. Clinton was confronted with video that showed a nice, calm welcoming ceremony held right by the plane that even included a whole 7th grade class greeting her on the runway, she calmly asserted, “Well, I just misspoke.” She even went on to opine that, “I’m only human, which may surprise some of you.”


The only thing that surprises me is that we, as a country, didn’t say “I can’t believe that you are such a LIAR! Get the #*$#(@ outta my primaries!”

Oh well, gotta get back to planning my extreme skiing outing for next week.....can’t wait to see Tibet.

Misspokenly Yours,

Blawgerman

So, Blawgerman, You Think You're Having a Crappy Day

So, Blawgerman, You Think You're Having a Crappy Day?

Well, I got a response to my toe blog that I feel that I must share. Quite honestly, I'm glad now that I have only toe problems.......

Here it is:


That Strange Feeling....

Have you ever been in a situation where you are right in the middle of something and all of the sudden you have a strange feeling like something is about to happen. Well, one day I was at a foundry with my dad several years ago and it was in the middle of July. Needless to say, it was "hotter than the hubs of hell" and it was right after lunch.

Of course, after spending 25 minutes climbing stairs to get to the top of a large piece of equipment, my father and I were taking a few minutes to gather our thoughts and breathe, deciding what we were going to do next. As I stooped over to hook the chain on the first motor....well, it was at that moment I realized that something was wrong. I had the strangest feeling that something inside me was not right, kind of like the guy from "Alien" just before the little monster came out of his belly.

My stomach was rumbling and rumbling and all of a sudden it came to me....I had to crap. I raised up rather quickly and informed my father of the impending damage that was about to take place in my pants, and as I informed him, little beads of sweat started to roll down my face because I knew I had to travel the 345 steps down to the bottom of the building.

I very quickly and very cautiously proceeded down the steps, making sure my bad situation didn't become worse. When I finally reached the bottom, I began the task of looking for a place to relieve myself. In a building that was no longer being used and scheduled to be demolished, one would imagine that there are a number of places to let nature run its course. I looked around and found the perfect place.

Now, being a big guy with a bum leg, bending over was just not an option, so I had to improvise. I pulled down my pants and backed my rear end up to the wall and made it look like I was sitting on an invisible chair.....and let 'er rip.

Now, shortly after I was "sitting" on my imaginary toilet, I hear a strange noise that sounded like someone was shooting the metl behind me.....I yelled out, "who's there?" but no one answered. I heard the noise again, but this thime it was louder, louder even than the noise generated from the demolition equipment running in the building. I yelled out, "HEY, WHO'S THERE?" but still no one answered. So, as I sat there humming a tune, I started hearing what sounded like a machine gun going off. Pop.... poppoppop.... ....poppoppoppoppoppop.....and all of a sudden, the entire wall gave way.....causing me to fall right to the ground right on top of my recent deposit.

And if that wasn't bad enough, and I don't know if you know this or not, but foundries are VERY DIRTY AND DUSTY. Once the wall let loose and fell, all of the dust and dirt on top fell....you know where....right on top of me. Not only was my robust posterior covered in crap, but my entire body was covered in black soot....

This is a true story, and every time I tell it, whomever is hearing it almosts wets themselves with laughter. I guess at the time I didn't think it was funny, and after almost 7 years, I still don't think it is funny!!!

Signed,

The Demo Man

Keep 'em coming....

Blawgerman

Toeing the Line......

Toeing the Line......

This little piggy went to the market......

This little piggey went home..........

This little piggy had roast beef........

and this little piggy hit the ottoman and got dislocated!

Ouch.

That's right. Maybe God doesn't want me to blog.....Maybe fate has turned her face away from me.....Maybe I'm just a clod that jammed his bare foot into an ottoman......

You know, after you do something stupid, you usually have the opportunity to review your actions to see if there had been a way to avoid your stupidity. In my case, I was coming in from the hot tub in bare feet. The cat was, as usual, standing right in my way. I stepped around him as a courtesy and slammed my foot into the ottoman. I have now made a note to myself -- stepping on a cat will not dislocate your toe.

I heard a popping sound like a rubber band. I hopped on one foot, cursing cats, ottomans, and toes........(yes, the sight of a 300 pound man hopping on one foot would have been worthy of You-Tube)......Then I looked at my toe. Not my little toe, which is the toe of choice for such things.....but my next toe in. How did I hit that one to the exclusion of the others? But the more important question was why was that toe sticking out in the wrong direction over my little toe?

I did not ponder too long. Having had dislocated fingers in the past, I simply reached down and popped the wayward digit back in place. Sounds simple and painless. Well, sound can be deceiving.

One generally does not realize the relative significance of your fourth toe. It has no real function. I mean, I've seen some people wear rings on it, but that is about it. I don't even think that I have ever thought much about that toe other than the occasional clipping of its nail. But an event like this makes you realize that, indeed, it must do something, because this morning I am walking like my grandmother on a bad arthritis morning.

So, if indeed God wants me to quit Blogging, I write this as a memorial should something even worse happen because my toe episode did not accomplish the task. If there is no divine reason for the injury, I write simply to share my pain and the realization that one should never try to avoid stepping on a cat.

Toeing the line,

Blawgerman